Saturday, May 03, 2008
right now...i feel like a piece of fucked up shit......2dae was supposed 2 be an easy day...u noe? juz finish up d homework and do d research dats all...watch videos...dats all....my father even bought a printer...yays....
den he asked me 2 set up d printer...big mistake...
coz of all d fucked up projects lately i got so fucking stressed out and juz started shouting coz of d fucked up instructions...den...got a knock on d head from my father.....so??? afterdat everything went fine.....den after dat....i went 2 do d setup of d system on d other com....so i put in d CD...den d bloody programme run and its fucking korean....i dun even understand a fucking word lar....den i asked my sister 4 d fucking instruction sheet and den she asked me why i was in such a foul mood when i wasn't lor...i juz raised my voice a bit...is dat so wrong?
so afterdat i was like proceeding with d thingo and my blood started to boil a bit...den d installation couldn't take place....and so i got pissed of and den i asked my father if i had 2 install on d PC...whether can install on d laptop....coz all d fucking words were in korean and i don't understand anything although i like d language...like who am i...language master??
den my sister started shouting at me like d korean words were my fault...she say dat she oso dunno why d programme has korean words....den in d end she started saying dat she noe how 2 turn it back coz she was d one who made d fucking programme become fucking korean....isn't it so contradicting....den i was like WTH? u say u dunno den now u say u were d one who made it korean?? like wtf lar...
den she said " fuck you"
and i totally snapped....so i slapped her....the end...and i just had nth 2 hide...so i told my father dat i slapped her because she told me to fuck off.....den he got damn pissed and started scolding me like it was my fault?
and i got so pissed so i locked myself in d rm...den he like juz shouted 2 my sis dat she should not use such language...and dat he will nvr allow korean words on d computer.....
den he comes into d rm demanding dat i unlock it...and he says that i should not slap her...i should keep it in my mind....coz dis thing has happened before.....and i believe it was because my sis told me 2 fuck off oso....anyways....i got a bloddy fucked up scolding....it was so fucked up...der i was....staring into d computer screen...den he said dat it was his final warning and stuff.....
so he left...and i was juz staring...i was so pissed of...like i noe dat i shouldn't have slapped her...but how can my sis tell me 2 fuck off??? i have nvr said dat 2 her....not in person.....i mean i have written it thought it....but nvr said it to her...and der she is younger than me and she says it to me in person?! wtf....and so...here i am sinking into depression...while there she is next door talking to her chatroom friends about me slapping her and gaining sympathy from them....and i'm basically typing to a fucking computer screen....i think i'm really gonna lose it....i mean...is it because i'm older so i'm expected to give in to my younger siblings? is it because i'm older so they can treat me like shit at home and i can't treat them juz a teenie weenie more bad juz coz i'm expected 2 have better judgement? is it because i'm older so i'm to blame for my siblings saying all d foul words? is it because i'm older so my siblings aren't expected to juz let me have my fucking way sometimes? is it because i'm older so i have 2 teach all my siblings their work even though i have a test on d next day or homework 2 do? and if i say i have to study 4 a test d next day i'm scolded 4 cramming....
dats a whole fucking lot of expectations 2 put on me...i mean its not like other ppl have higher expectations of dem....i mean it would be unfair to think that i am d onli one wif problems like this....
i'm sick and tired of having 2 give in 2 dem....teach dem...take responsibility for dem...even when i'm not the person 2 blame 4 it.....but yet...i have to "do what a big sister does"...i can't say anything coz den i hurt my siblings and its my fucking fault....i can't do anything coz i hurt my siblings also and den its my fucking fault all over again....so...i bottle up everything and juz basically bury all d sadness inside....and its true that i don't cry easily....i've hardened up my heart....i'm used 2 insults....i take dem as jokes or comments even though it hurts inside....i'm fine wif scolding....i got enough of dem 2 noe wad dey say...why dey say...i try 2 change but its nvr gd enough.....i'm a fucking teenager....doesn't anyone noe dat dis is d fucking time dat our tempers are on fucking overdrive? i suppose my parents noe dat for my age i'm considered very good already....i don't create trouble in or outside skool....i come home everyday....i call home or my parents to say where i am...i teach my siblings although i have better things 2 do...i noe my parents care 4 me...but i don't mind dem showing it once in awhile...sometimes dats all it takes...2 noe dat dey care....not worrying bout anything that may happen 2 d family.....i noe dat dey would say dat i worry 2 much....dats coz i noe 2 much....it would be even better 2 noe frm my siblings dat dey appreciate me 4 wad i help dem in..instead of being yelled at or told to fuck off.....dey have no idea how comforting it would be 2 juz hear an "i luv you" or "thank you" dats all i need.....d stress frm fucking projects doesn't help at all....i try 2 tell myself dat my siblings care 4 me....my parents love me...and nth is gonna happen...but apparently...i'm not a robot...i have feelings and dats why i juz break sometimes...i don't throw tantrums anymore...my sis is in p6 and she still does dat....i juz keep everything 2 myself....but sometimes....juz one small chance...i break...and everything comes out...rage...fury...anger...sadness...remorse...loneliness...EVERYTHING.....but i now realise dat it doesn't help...in fact it juz make matters worst....
so i have decided 2 juz keep it all in me....keep it in my mind...juz like my dad says...even if it kills me...i won't say a thing bout myself....i noe i sound so fucking emo...but those who noe me would noe dat i don't use fuck unless i'm really fucking pissed off....and notice dat i don't use fuck on my siblings? i can't believe dat i'm so nice as 2 not usefuck on dem...coz i'm afraid it will hurt dem....dat is so fucked up...
i'll juz 4get bout my existence....so what if i kill myself doing it...at least dis family will have one less problem 2 wry bout.........
10:04 PM